Still alive

After getting the state attorney general involved in my attempt at accessing my records, things seem to be stalling yet again.  Over 3 weeks of waiting to hear back from them without anything.  They say my records should be public… Childrens’ Services say my records are not public – despite the fact that the investigations have been closed for years and all children involved are well into adulthood.  The attorney general’s office seemed to be so determined to get my records for me… and then they just dropped everything.  It’s hard not to take this personally.  It’s hard to see that all the missing information (and hidden information) is just a coincidence… there is no reason or method behind it… it’s all coincidence.  All of those people who died before their 60s (or even their 40s), all the missing documents that are supposed to never be destroyed, all of the people who start to help but suddenly stop without any further contact.  It’s all coincidence.  No one’s hiding anything from me.

I will be back to report if anything changes.

I promise… I’ll fight the bigger fight someday

I have been thinking a lot today and was able to grab some revelations out of thin air.  They’re probably ones I’ve made before, but then I have more chance to remember them in the future.

Dr. Ma’ani’s “apology” letters always bothered me… lack of any responsibility on his part and lack of any wrongdoing, really.  Something else struck me.  He never mentioned how I fought him off.  He neither acknowledged it nor denied it.  I knew he read my letter explaining what he did… so, he knew I reported that I had stomped on him <insert evil grin here>.  Bit I do find it interesting what he left out.  And as I type this, I realize he left a lot out.  He left out mentioning how he groomed me for years.  He never apologized for that.  He never apologized for pressuring me to go to Russia with him, either.  All he acknowledged was a kiss and grabbing me “to” his car.  I don’t know which preposition he really meant.  It could have been “into” saying that he pulled me back in… or it could have been “in” meaning he was admitting grabbing my breasts without so actually saying it.  I’m sure his English skills were fading along with his health as it was not his native language.  With such a lacking apology, it seems fairly obvious that the National Spiritual Assembly, aside from being only concerned for themselves, missed the big picture.  They ignored the fact that he worked up to the kissing and fondling for years.  This was a well-thought out plan in his head… not some random moment of passion towards a child.  I think they missed that.  Or, rather, I hope they missed it.  

It’s bad enough that they might have put more importance on their financial gain than on my assault.  I can’t imagine the cold, empty souls they must have if they thought that money was more important than years of him manipulating me and my loved ones into thinking he was a decent, but misunderstood, person.  Especially with all the other assaults that happened over the years.  Then again, I’m being foolish to hope for anything decent from the NSA.  It’s fairly obvious that money speaks louder to them than even the law.  It’s a true shame.  

All that doesn’t help my mood much after being up half the night due to serial nightmares of being raped by my father and others.  They rarely upset me in waking life anymore… I’ve been having rape nightmares since I was very young – maybe 6 or 7?  But, when they interrupt my sleep, it takes a much bigger toll on me.  It’s kind of like I was triggered and I can’t come back from it.  I just can’t get grounded no matter what I do.  I can still smile and be cheerful, but only at the risk of having my mask break and showing people what’s really going on in my brain.  So, the key is to get rid of the nightmares.  How do I do that?  I talk.  Endlessly.  I talk about all of it and don’t hold back.  I just need a listener.

I’m facing a situation where I’m falling apart… and now I have a lot of decisions to make.  Do I take care of myself or my family?  Do I shut everything down and risk more nightmares or do I let it all out and risk having no one to lean on in the future?  We all need that one friend we can literally tell anything to at anytime.  And I’ve found myself without that person.  This will be a rough spot, I know it.

Public records (a.k.a. – records that remain private until you hire a lawyer)

I made a brief allusion to my attempt at retrieving records from a government agency in my last post.  Children’s Services seem to be more in it for themselves than for the kids… not really a big surprise, but they can’t hand over my public records from 30 years ago?  Apparently not.

Here’s my advice for retrieving records.  First, do NOT use the phone to contact anyone – except, possibly for email or mailing addresses.  Get everything in writing.  I, foolishly, thought that getting hold of public records would be a bothersome process, but had no idea that I would deal with county government offices who refuse to relinquish public records about me to me.  Don’t believe them when they tell you all you need is ID to prove you are who you say you are – more likely you will need months, if not years, and a lawyer.

Yes… a lawyer… to see public records… records about yourself.  And when the county doesn’t respond to your request, don’t waste your time with the state agency.  They’ll laugh and tell you to hire a lawyer to gain access to these public records because the county will fight as long and as hard as they can.  The law states they must give you public records aside from various extenuating circumstances, yet you will need a lawyer and a court order to get them.  The county and state are too nervous about being caught on something they did or did not do in your particular case (as was told to me by the state’s Children’s Services representative I spoke with.)  All I want is some documentation of my past and they’re worried about getting sued over some bumbling idiot 30 years ago.

A good stop between fighting the agencies and a lawyer is your state Attorney General’s office.  In my state, they have a public records mediation office which will try to force the hand of the agency withholding records.  And, it’s cheaper than a lawyer… so, start there.

I have filed my claim with the Attorney General’s office and should hear within a couple weeks as to what they plan to do.  I wish I’d thought of this before.  Over a year and a half ago, I tried to get records from the same agency.  I proved my identity, I paid them money to look through their archives, and I waited.  After several weeks and several unreturned phone calls, I finally reached a human being… they claimed to have no files matching me, my father or my sister.  Unless they destroy files, that cannot be true as Children’s Services called police when my sister reported my father’s abuse and he was arrested shortly thereafter.  But… I gave up.  I didn’t try again for several more months.  If I had gone to the Attorney General’s office the first time, I would have those records by now.

So, like I said… keep every word in writing.  I didn’t… and I have to pray that my few emails will be enough evidence to show I have been trying to get my records without success.

Aside to the Houshang Ma’ani searcher again:  I told you to back off… now you’re bringing your friends to help you spy on me?  Do you honestly think I don’t know?  This blog gives me information on who visits when and how they got here.  I know you’re still here.  You are only causing more trouble for the National Spiritual Assembly as I am more than willing to show the Universal House of Justice records of the traffic on this site.  Respect human beings and get your fat, lazy, gossiping, jealous, ignorant nose away from my blog!!!!

You… the person searching for Houshang Ma’ani….

Unless you are a sexual assault/abuse survivor, would you mind terribly leaving me alone in my thoughts and expressions.  This site really does not concern you.  I assume you are a Baha’i and by continuing to “check up” on me and what I write, you are merely exhibiting a need for gossip.  May I remind you that gossiping is against Baha’i law?  At very least, educate yourself on PTSD and see how disconcerting your actions may be for someone who has it.  I refuse to wish you the same uncomfortability in your life, but your lack of respect for your fellow humans is obvious.  Please leave me alone so I can continue to tell MY story as I see fit to whomever actually wants to listen – not for an audience who is there to judge me.

On a side note for those who actually read this for whatever legitimate reason – sorry for my lack of posts.  I have been battling the government for the right to my childhood records.  It’s proving to be a losing battle, but I won’t give up.

Public Service Announcements

One thing I don’t see much of anymore on television is the old familiar PSA.  Maybe I don’t watch enough tv anymore… or maybe no one cares enough.  I decided to gather a collection of PSAs regarding sexual assault/abuse in case you feel like sharing with your loved ones (and maybe your not-so-loved ones.)  Please be careful, some of these are powerful and/or graphic to get the point across to the public.  If you are a survivor, please take great care if you choose to watch them.

Speak Out! – From RAINN

The Secret – From RAINN (specifically geared towards child sexual abuse)

Rape Awareness – staffordshirepolice  (definitely triggering)…. and from the other point of view This.

Tentacles – Dunkelziffer eV (definitely triggering)

I hope these can be shared so that others can learn what survivors deal with.  If you like the idea of me offering PSAs on here, please let me know.  I will gladly seek out more.