I promise… I’ll fight the bigger fight someday

I have been thinking a lot today and was able to grab some revelations out of thin air.  They’re probably ones I’ve made before, but then I have more chance to remember them in the future.

Dr. Ma’ani’s “apology” letters always bothered me… lack of any responsibility on his part and lack of any wrongdoing, really.  Something else struck me.  He never mentioned how I fought him off.  He neither acknowledged it nor denied it.  I knew he read my letter explaining what he did… so, he knew I reported that I had stomped on him <insert evil grin here>.  Bit I do find it interesting what he left out.  And as I type this, I realize he left a lot out.  He left out mentioning how he groomed me for years.  He never apologized for that.  He never apologized for pressuring me to go to Russia with him, either.  All he acknowledged was a kiss and grabbing me “to” his car.  I don’t know which preposition he really meant.  It could have been “into” saying that he pulled me back in… or it could have been “in” meaning he was admitting grabbing my breasts without so actually saying it.  I’m sure his English skills were fading along with his health as it was not his native language.  With such a lacking apology, it seems fairly obvious that the National Spiritual Assembly, aside from being only concerned for themselves, missed the big picture.  They ignored the fact that he worked up to the kissing and fondling for years.  This was a well-thought out plan in his head… not some random moment of passion towards a child.  I think they missed that.  Or, rather, I hope they missed it.  

It’s bad enough that they might have put more importance on their financial gain than on my assault.  I can’t imagine the cold, empty souls they must have if they thought that money was more important than years of him manipulating me and my loved ones into thinking he was a decent, but misunderstood, person.  Especially with all the other assaults that happened over the years.  Then again, I’m being foolish to hope for anything decent from the NSA.  It’s fairly obvious that money speaks louder to them than even the law.  It’s a true shame.  

All that doesn’t help my mood much after being up half the night due to serial nightmares of being raped by my father and others.  They rarely upset me in waking life anymore… I’ve been having rape nightmares since I was very young – maybe 6 or 7?  But, when they interrupt my sleep, it takes a much bigger toll on me.  It’s kind of like I was triggered and I can’t come back from it.  I just can’t get grounded no matter what I do.  I can still smile and be cheerful, but only at the risk of having my mask break and showing people what’s really going on in my brain.  So, the key is to get rid of the nightmares.  How do I do that?  I talk.  Endlessly.  I talk about all of it and don’t hold back.  I just need a listener.

I’m facing a situation where I’m falling apart… and now I have a lot of decisions to make.  Do I take care of myself or my family?  Do I shut everything down and risk more nightmares or do I let it all out and risk having no one to lean on in the future?  We all need that one friend we can literally tell anything to at anytime.  And I’ve found myself without that person.  This will be a rough spot, I know it.

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