I mentioned fighting on several fronts last time. Not only am I battling religious leaders, but I am planning to confront my father in two days. I haven’t seen him for more than 25 years. He still lives in the same house. I tried confronting him over the phone a year and a half ago. He was lost in his own world of creepy statements about children and making me see how horrible my mother was. I know my chances of getting my father to admit he did anything are so low – I’m not sure it’s worth the road trip or the effort. But, I also know if he admits anything, I can move forward.
It’s funny… I’m not afraid to talk to him or tell him what I remember. But, I looked at his house online last night (thank you Google maps) and I was inundated with fear. I could vividly feel the loathing I carried as a child, the intense desire to get away from that house. I imagined knocking on the front door and seeing him there. I don’t know if I can handle it. Just the image in my head made me want to run away. But, I know there is a part of me that would never forgive myself for giving up without trying. I just need a good dose of courage. I need to remember that if I know what happened to me, I can fight better for others.
As for my battle with religious organizations, I am still waiting on hearing any response from them. I was promised a response by June 29th. The “man” who assaulted me has died in the meantime. I honestly don’t believe I will get a satisfactory resolution to this situation. It’s being kept so quiet that his other victims don’t even know what past decisions have been in regards to his “punishment.” While I try to remain respectful of the gravity of the situation, I am disgusted at the lack of support by the leaders. I will give them time to attempt to fix the damage they have caused, but I am tired of waiting! Another week of waiting and I will just let it all out. I will expose all they have done to cover this over. I’m tired of authority hiding sex crimes. I’m tired of enforced silence to save the predators. So, in honour of the people who suffered from the ignorance and downright maliciousness of Penn State and the Catholic Church (among many others), I will expose my silencers if they do not expose themselves. These policies MUST change! The predators deserve no respect or compassion. They never once showed any to their victims.
Hope to see you Saturday for the revealing post…